Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Things I think the Wii Needs

Nintendo is quite right in saying that the Wii is not a PC, and that we shouldn't expect the same level of functionality we get from one. Even so, they could easily add so many things. Is the above little byline enough to neglect some of the things they could -easily- ... -easily- add? They're sure as hell not making good video games anymore; they might as well make some good software for the system.

Things the wii needs (in my humble, yet totally correct, opinion):

DVD Support Geez. This one's obvious. Even the ps2 could play dvds. It's sort of an outrage that they would omit such a function from a disc based system.

USB Flash Drive Support Who uses SD cards? Seriously. But we all have USB Flash Drives. Again, nintendo gave us all the necessary hardware to use USB Flash Drives, but neglected to include the functionality.

An Improved Internet Channel Interace The Wii Remote is a sick joke of a device for browsing the internet.The Channel allows you to type with a keyboard, yet does not include any interface for browsing the web with a keyboard. What the fudgecicle? WebTV did it excellently with just 2 MB of RAM. I suggest Nintendo take notes.

The Homebrew Channel is the only hope for those of us who want our Wii to actually do useful stuff. Yet Nintendo has taken the stance that the above improvements are malicious in nature, and actively removes them from your system upon updating. I'd understand if Nintendo was attempting to do the same things, but they are not. Why take a stance against functionality?

I've got more beefs with the Wii, but those are the main ones. Since they are the benevolent corporation that brought us Zelda, I won't sweat the small stuff.

If they made a Zelda movie...

I've thrown the idea out to a few of my (non-zelda fan) facebook pals, and the ideas I've had for adaptations of a couple of the games seem to get good appeal.

The main problem with the whole idea is this: There are too many dungeons to fit into a coherent (non-video game) plot. With all the battling that would be going on in a Zelda film, time constraints would basically forbid a storyline. That could be worked around by developing other characters while Link completes a few dungeons off screen though.

I know it would surely piss off some of my fan-tastic colleagues, but Link would have to talk in any would-be Zelda film. He's not really even silent in the games. They merely let you form his words in your mind. Note how he nods warmly as if he just moved his lips from time to time, or gives a jolly wave when someone leaves in Majora's Mask. These are implications of a warm, vocal, personality.

Majora's Mask is a fantastic idea for a film in its own right. There are only four dungeons so you don't have to worry about having too much dungeon battling. The entire town has character development, so there are a lot of interesting souls to focus on throughout the film. Oh yeah, and the game is about the moon crashing into the earth, and using time travel to change Termina's inevitable fate. That sounds like something most people would like to see on the big screen.

A Link to the Past could probably get mainstream appeal as well. The in-game story isn't as in depth as Majora's Mask, but the basic seeds of a good story are there. Imagine all the good dialogue that could happen in Kakariko Village about Agahnim, and whether their good friend Link is really a kidnapper. Then you've got Link's quest to avenge his uncle, and maybe they could stick in an interesting (if cliche) death of Sahasralah while fighting Ganon. There are plenty of things that could be worked with in this story.

If done correctly, most Zelda games could be made into interesting films. More than like, alas, we'd end up with something like the Final Fantasy film, filled with bad voice acting, an incoherent plot with way too much battling, and other forms of basic suckage. Video game films seldom turn out well.

Having said that, I want to see it happen. Sure, Nintendo risks allowing yet another bad video game film (see also: the Super Mario Brothers movie), but there is much to be gained if successful. Look at what the Twilight film did for Stephanie Meyer, or even what Lord of the Rings film did for an already popular book series. The fanboys and fangals created from such a film will probably go out, buy a Wii, download all the games on VC, buy Twilight Princess, and the upcoming Skyward Sword game. The potential rewards are great, and the financial risk (for a multi billion dollar company) is minimal.

Furthermore, as a Farore fearing Zelda fan, I have to support the evangelization of these young minds. For too long have they played sinful games like Halo, Final Fantasy, and other suckful things. For there is but one high fantasy realm worthy of adoration, and that is The Legend of Zelda realm.

Zelda Glitching Failure Log

To glitch or not to glitch? That is the question. The answer is to glitch, but how???

Yesterday, I had an idea for how it might be possible to escape Sakon's Hideout as Kafei in Majora's Mask. I was thinking that if I turned into a Deku Scrub just before hitting the initial switch, Link would set off the switch, give control to Kafei, and then transform (leaving the door closed and the switch unset). After all that, the plan was to let Kafei set off the switch, and then do a barrel roll and get crushed by the door: causing Kafei to warp out of the area.

The plan worked perfectly up until the warping. There was a flaw in my conception of the idea. Whenever Link does something in Majora's Mask that causes a warp (Goron Link falling in water, getting crushed by doors, Deku Link drowning, etc.), he always turns back into human Link. The same thing happened here with Kafei.

An interesting subglitch of the above is that if you do it with the Bunny Hood on, entering a second time causes the camera to refocus around Kafei. (And nope, completing the quest with the camera on Kafei doesn't give him control either. haha)

After that, I tried a second technique: The B button Ocarina. Kafei seems to be built off of Link, as he swings an invisible sword, dodges, and backflips just like him. I was fairly confident that glitching the Ocarina onto B and playing the Song of Soaring would trans Kafei to wherever I decided warp. Alas, I was wrong again. Even with the Ocarina on B, Kafei will just swing his invisible sword.

There are only a couple of ideas that I have left, and they're both based off of the most popular Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask glitch: The Bombchu Hover. I'm thinking that maybe if I threw a bomb just before landing on the switch, and then backflipped toward the door with Kafei, it would knock him through the wall, but not out of bounds. That too seems unlikely.

If only I could get Kafei using bombs. Then we'd hover out, cause the fourth day glitch, and go on our own little quest. :)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Words from the Profit

Christian materialists are worse than Kevin Trudeau. I swear it. I don't have cable anymore, so my channels are pretty limited. Consequently, I wake up every morning hearing this Word of Fatih douchebag tell poor and diseased people that sending him money will solve all of their problems.

I'm one of the biggest defenders of religiosity you'll ever meet. After some careful evaluation of all the possible positions, I decided the world was a better place with all that in the mix. Having said that, people like Mike Murdock make my position a lot more difficult to defend.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Imagine This

Fan-ism has came a long way since the first Zelda game. In that time, extreme levels of nerdiness have emerged, involving all manner of Zelda-related activities, such as:

Pointless Theorizing Regarding a Nonexistent Timeline

Fanfiction in which the Protagonist Never Talks

Art of Link doing it with Zelda, Malon, Saria, Ruto, Nabooru, Marin, and occasionally even Ganondorf (or Tingle?)

Blogging random quirks about Zelda which few if any people will read

Certainly, there's a high level of veneration amongst the hardcore Zelda fans that extends well beyond just playing the game. With that in mind, I submit the following: Nintendo should make some sort of online Zelda multiplayer roleplaying environment. Those hardcore "I've been thinking about zelda nonstop since 1985" fans would love it!

They'd need to stop it all from taking place in one realm, though. Imagine strolling through Hyrule field on your horse and seeing fifty thousand people talking loudly. Runescape has a good example of what's needed (multiple rooms), but for something like this the scale would need to be even smaller. More like fifty to a room.

To clarify furthermore on my line of thought, I'm actually not thinking of something with a battle system or even a storyline for that matter. I just want to walk into Hyrule Castle Town as a brick mason from Kakariko Village, buy a drink at the local pub, and ask if any jobs are available in the area. A game about nothing! (yes, Zelda: Seinfeld Edition)

I guess it'd be a pretty bad financial decision for Nintendo though. The market for console roleplaying games is huge, but the market for roleplaying itself is fairly small. Even so, I stand by my call for its development and release!

What is Roleplaying?

In its most common usage, the phrase 'Roleplaying Game' is so outdated. Most of the things that are labeled RPG require no roleplaying whatsoever. Take Final Fantasy in almost all of its variants. Let me get this straight... a computer solving doing simple math problems on a turn by turn basis is roleplaying? According to the word nazis.

Now let's take a game with some actual roleplaying. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's mask. Those same word nazis would correctly call this an adventure game. It definitely is, but it's also an adventure game with roleplaying elements. Depending on what you do in the game (e.g. The masks you wear, the items you use, whether you kill Sakon, etc.), the individual outcomes can vary a lot. You can be the Legendary Hero that saves everyone, or just save your own ass and head back to Hyrule. Nevertheless, because it doesn't have turn based dice damage, Majora's mask is not a roleplaying game.

Any reasonable person would call this insanity.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Crappy Ineffective Hylian Knights

Seriously. Those guys suck. I wouldn't count on them to protect my offline http server. Let's look at them, game by game:

The Legend of Zelda: So there's a kingdom of Hyrule, right? Well, where are all the knights? I'll tell ya where they are. They're dead. Ganon killed them all in like twenty seconds. Was too easy for him.

Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link: Thanks to Link, a few new slackers have emerged to replace the brigade Ganon disposed of. But these guys are even worse. Not only do they -not- aid Link in any way, they actually hinder him! The one blue douche tells Link that "Only towns people can use this bridge. Never mind that you saved the world ten years ago. I'm going to be a douche and not let you cross. *points to genitals* Right here Link. Right here if you want past." Seriously, what the hell's that guy's problem?

A Link to the Past: This time, Ganon overpowered the knighthood's complete lack of a will in the time it took you to turn the game on. And they're not even very good bad guys. A twelve year old boy rises to the occasion to make raid on the castle, rescue Zelda, and slaughter hordes of knights along the way. He'd never even used a sword before. The extent of Link's training was a twenty second talk with his dying uncle! Wtf?

Ocarina of Time: As usual, the knights are there.. sucking it up. Link's out trying to save the day again, and the knights just stand there. And when Ganon comes to take over Hyrule.. they all die again.. pathetic.

Majora's Mask: Technically, these guys aren't Hylian Knights. But their suckage is certainly worthy of an honorable mention. Their leader, a coward by the name of Viscen, is only concerned with getting his tail out of that town. Because, when the moon crashes into the earth, the only safe place is a ranch... wtf.. you're not escaping that moon knights! Might as well stay in town and help the idiots who don't realize that evacuate in an orderly fashion.

The Wind Waker They were killed off in the intro clip. Nuff said. Without Link, Hyrule was doomed. Thanks a lot, knights!

Twilight Princess: Oooh... don't fight those beasts. Just cower in the Twilight all the time. You pansies make Edward Cullen look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Once again, a not even grown, marginally emo hero emerges, and kills off all of the beasts that the knights were afraid of. Zelda should fire these people.

Another thing on Twilight Princess: It appears that all law and order is administered by some sort of brothel. Life has gotten bad when we've outsourced policing the streets to pimps!