Sunday, December 26, 2010

SMB: The Lost Levels

I've been playing this game off an on for the past few days. It was six bucks on the Wii, and a fairly good deal at that. I had it on Super Mario All-Stars a long time ago, but I'd never played it in 8-bit stylings. To give you an idea, it's graphically just like the original Super Mario Brothers. The only difference is that the brick ground has been replaced with dirt. Even so, SMB: TLL is a totally new game. It is HARD.

Most people with halfway decent reflexes have mastered the original SMB. It is a pretty easy game, especially when you use warp world. I've played and beat the first game probably a hundred times, and I just wasn't prepared for the level of difficulty in this game. It is harder than Zelda II, Castlevania II, Contra, and Metroid put together. I have gotten at least a hundred game overs, most of which came on worlds 3 and 5.

There are places where you either jump on a turtle at the right time or you die. SOme of the jumps they expect of you are unreal. The worst one so is on 4-3, where you have to make a leap of faith across the screen with no ground below you, and just hope that floating turtle is in the right place.

As IGN said, it's a lot like a fan hack. Having said that, it's a pretty good fan hack. I've always loathed our SMB 2. Why couldn't we have this game? Heh heh.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

A testimony to My Immortal

All I want for Christmas is My Immortal: The Motion Picture. Someone should make this saga. Seriously. For clueless people who stumble across this page, I'm not talking about the song. That's good, but the fanfic of the same name is better.

It is a masterpiece of a different kind. My Immortal is either: A) The worst fanfic ever, and something that makes Ed Wood look like Alfred Hitchcock. B)The greatest act of trolling in the history of man. Those who profess to be trolls should worship the writer for bestowing humanity with such a hilarious act of parody.

I lean toward the latter, if only for the reason that no human being could possibly be that incapable of typing. Even on a phone with very small keys, you're just bound to get a few words right. This smells of design. Furthermore, the wording of these sentences is purposely funny; I have no doubt of that. The attempt is to impersonate a twelve year old girl who saw Evanescence and decided "goff" was hot. How can you use the word 'fuck' in a sentence, and then decline to describe human anatomy? It defies logic, even the logic of twelve year old girls.

I want to finish this saga, but I always seem to get confused or lose all control and burst into non-stop laughter. What makes it even funnier is that people can't see the writing on the wall.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

When Roleplaying Goes Wrong...

There is a certain bliss in taking on the mannerisms of a character for RPGs. It's enjoyable, and can sometimes completely usurp your own personality if you let it. I myself have questioned certain facets of my own worldview due to things that emerged in RP. In certain ways, it could be a good thing. If helping out some beggar character encourages you to give to charity, that's great.

However, the brief erasing of these lines between character and player could also become a very bad thing. What if the line stays erased? What if you go around telling the world that you are an elf, orc, goblin, fairy, gnome, or some other mythical creature? What if you create an entire belief system to justify these increasingly delusional stances? This, my friends, is when you are part of the weird subculture called 'Otherkin'.

Google it. I've read about religion so much that you could it an obsession. There are similar ideas within the new age movement that many people actually consider reasonable. As cool as it is, this idea of being orcs, goblins, and whatnot, I have a hard time extending the respectful 'whatever' I do to most other religions -- and this definitely falls into the category of religion.

This reminds me of the whole psychic vampirism... thing. I had a semi-friend who considered himself as such. I never questioned it, but one day he went all out to convince me that the psychic vampires are real. I guess I should have said, "Maybe.. uh.. who knows, right?", but like all blood leechers, he was fairly irritating and I responded with: "Fuck no vampires, psychic or otherwise, are not real! Science! SCIENCE! SCCCCCIIIEEENCE! Draining energy, feeding off auras, and all that shit... not real!" He blocked me on facebook, and we haven't spoken since. I should apologize I guess. Or expose him to sunlight.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Screw the Consciousness Shift!

2012 doomsday hype has been on mind of late. I rather like the cataclysmic images of the would-be apocalypse, but this isn't what I've sat down to write about. Rather, I seek to speak on the other end of 2012 speculation: this notion that a new age will be upon us.

What is the new age? Put simply, the new age is the passing on of the old age. What is the old age? The old age is our age, which is, by all accounts, not too swift of an age.

What is wrong with our age? Many things – not the least of which being material problems such as war, plagues, famine, pestilence, and death – are wrong with our world. Presumably the new age will do away with most or even all of these problems. Who is to say? It's new, and we haven't seen it yet.

There is another problem that the new age seeks to eliminate, and it is the one that brings me to typing this. It is also the problem that makes me chuckle, for reasons I shall soon explain. The new age will apparently cause either a complete shift in humanity's collective consciousness, or awaken individuals who previously clung to old age ideas, religions, and philosophies. Think about that.

This is what 2012 new agers think will bring total world peace and harmony. People who disagree with new agers will suddenly experience an awakening, and automatically begin to think as they do.

This is a recurring theme through history. “If everyone comes to think just as I do, the world will be a better place.” It's very much part of the 'old age' new agers wish to see eliminated by the stars. Satan cannot cast out Satan, and collectivist prophetical babble cannot cast out collectivist prophetical babble.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Story Isn't That Important...

This is the attitude of Nintendo when it comes to Zelda games. I hear their points, and I suppose they do make sense. However, they seem to be using this logic as a byline to totally screw up the Zelda storyline.

"As we all know, the Hylians are the closest race to the gods..." Jackass from TP.
"But wait... surprise! There's an even closer race to the gods: Chickens!" Same Jackass from TP

I remember playing A Link to the Past and loving the storyline about the lost civilization of the Hylians. It went without saying they were the most advanced thing since sliced bread. But now, that's all in question. The Oocca, glorified chickens, are actually the species the gods created, and those chickens created the Hylians.

What. The. Fuck? I'm not the only one that feels this way about the Oocca. Many people I've talked to agree that this Oocca business runs the storyline through a shredder.

But like Aonuma says, the story isn't that important. And that means he can utterly destroy it with whatever craptastically awful detail that comes into his mind.

And this shit continues into Skyward Sword. Link is from the Sky; probably the same place where the Oocca are in TP. Damn. There's been a murder my friends: And the victim is the Zelda Universe.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Metroid: The Other Red M

Seldom do I speak of games outside of the Zelda canon, but I've been playing "Metroid: Other M" a good bit lately. There are a few things I wanted to shout into the tubes about it, so here I go.

When I was a young lad, my mom got me "Metroid 2: The Return of Samus" for my birthday. At the time, I didn't really understand what the game was about, and I just wandered around cluelessly shooting stuff. I played it off and on for a few years, and then one day I figured out you were supposed to kill the eggs. I did some asking around at school, and found out that the eggs were Metroids, and that the object of the game was to kill them all. I never did finish Metroid 2, but I had a lot of fun failing at it.

Then, last week, I was given a 100 dollar walmart gift card, and decided to get a Wii game. It was then I realized that the vast majority of Wii games SUCK. I saw Goldeneye, Super Mario Brothers, and the new Donkey Kong. Pondering for a moment, I leaned toward Donkey Kong, as it too had been a faithful childhood friend. And then, I saw Metroid: Other M, presumably a sequel to the magical Gameboy game I'd enjoyed as a child. I debated some more, but I got it.

Now, how far have we fallen Samus? Not that far. There are a lot of cool things about this new Metroid. It stays true to old school Metroid form in the sense that you're going room to room and exploring. The ball is there, and I love the ball. In addition to the platforming, the game occasionally relies upon a FPS style of gameplay. It's a good mix, and it's fairly easy to pick up the gameplay style.

I didn't know what to think about Samus as a kid. I liked the idea of playing as a Bounty Hunter, presumably an ordinary person who kills these things for fun and profit. But, Other M has deemed Samus Aran is a 'child of destiny' like Link from Zelda. She has the dead parents, everyone looks up to her, and she only wants to do good. Bad move, Nintendo. Bad move. It works with an actual messianic character like Link, but not with Samus! It's shameful to see these long cutscenes where Samus gives long moody monologues about her dark past.

Even so I like this game, and wanted to ramble about it. Death to the Metroids!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Majora's Mask: The Marketing

I don't know how many of you remember the marketing campaign for Nine Inch Nail's album Year Zero. Trent Reznor hired a few companies to create an awesome experience and really bring the concept album to life. Visit Another Version of the Truth for a good look at the idea. America has been taken over by neoconservative despots.. a resistance forms. etc. I liked this idea, and I think it's one of the coolest things to ever hit the web.

Anyway, I mention that because I just came across some old, but pretty interesting Zelda related news. When Nintendo got ready for the release of Majora's Mask, they tried something similar. It might have been the great granddaddy of the campaign that turned out to be Year Zero.

Radio Zelda is now transmitting...

Check out the archived version of the site, It appears to be some sort of radio show devoted to events in the real world that aren't really happening. The moon is getting closer to the earth, a rift has opened between parallel universes, scientists are searching for an individual with a bizarre genetic anomaly, people are panicking and demanding answers...

Now, sounds like a hoax right? Wrong. Computer nerds who know (or in my case, don't know) use the whois command. It'll give you the registration data for any domain name. And what is the whois data for you ask?

Domain Name..........
Creation Date........ 2000-08-01
Registration Date.... 2009-07-05
Expiry Date.......... 2011-08-01
Organisation Name.... Nintendo of America Inc.
Organisation Address. 4820 150th Ave NE
Organisation Address.
Organisation Address. Redmond
Organisation Address. 98052
Organisation Address. WA
Organisation Address. UNITED STATES

That is correct. Nintendo tried to go viral with a Zelda game. And I bow my head in veneration to such a sweet attempt. They event went as far to give "Radio Zelda" an affiliate site, (archived). The whois data turns out much the same. Z-science was apparently the site for the research group JRAMOA, the group of scientists who inadvertently brought our doom. Note how JRAMOA is an anagram of Majora. Others can be found on the archived version of the site.

Furthermore, both of these domain names currently redirect to

As if all that wasn't enough, fans eventually took the audio from Radio Zelda and the actual radio ads and created this fantastic footage of the apocalypse Nintendo was perpetuating. Rock on.

Long story short.. I thought this was cool. It didn't quite get the play that Year Zero did, but I think it's just as cool since I like both Zelda and NiN.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Wind Waker: First Impressions

As a few of you know, I never had a gamecube. Verily, I skipped right from N64 to Wii due to my losing interest in video games for a time. However, thanks to backward compatibility, I'm able to play a few of those gamecube titles that I missed.

One of those titles is The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. On the Zelda forums, I had heard some bad things about The Wind Waker, and honestly had pretty low expectations as I stuck the game into my Wii. However, I was pleasantly surprised at the game's colorful atmosphere. Then, I was a little disappointed by some of the cartoony happenings (Link walking with a barrel for camouflage).

Anyway, after finishing the Forsaken Fortress, I arrived on Windfall Island for the first time. Now this is a good town. For Zelda standards, it's densely populated and there is a lot going on. It's like something out of Majora's Mask. I want to explore this area, as well as play a few more games of Battleship! lol.

So, while I wish they'd keep the action at least semi-realistic, I'm pretty impressed with The Wind Waker so far. I need to get a gamecube memory card so I can play more of the game though. Tomorrow I suppose..

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Hylian Archetypes

According to Wikipedia, Archetypes are, according to Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, innate universal psychic dispositions that form the substrate from which the basic symbols or representations of unconscious experience emerge.

Translation: Archetypes are the way we feel about certain people and ideas of people.

Almost as if by design, Zelda seems to contain a lot of archetypal images: Namely all of them. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I thought I'd take a moment to point out some of the literary archetypes present in Zelda.

The Old Man: The Old Man in LoZ and the Old Men in AoL are just that, wise old men. All stories of this nature have the Old Man.

The Old Woman: She gets her most obvious play in LoZ, but the Old Woman appears again in AoL, Alttp, Majora's Mask, and Twilight Princess if I'm not mistaken.

The Damsel/Maiden: Princess Zelda of course. The Maiden makes a second appearance in Alttp as the other six maidens, all of which Link saves: "Because of you Link, I can escape from the clutches of the evil monsters! Thank you!" Other damsels of note include Malon, Marin, and Anju.

The Hero: Link is invariably the Hero. However, he's more than a hero. His recurring nature through time and space extends him into messiah territory. Everyone needs to be saved by Link, because he's the only one that can save them.

The Trickster: Ganondorf. He almost always uses deception and slight of hand tricks to attain the Triforce.

The Devil: Related to Ganondorf is his near-deified form, Ganon. Corrupted by his newfound power, he becomes more than a mere trickster. He becomes a supernatural beast.

Most characters in Zelda are some kind of archetypal image, and it's nice to think about. I sometimes think that the same character conceptions (in all literature) are being placed into scenarios again and again.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Lousy Reality!

So, Capital One briefly restricted my credit card earlier. I called them, found out they thought my recent purchases were "suspicious" in nature, and got the card reactivated. No big deal, other than the fact that I'm going to have to wing it another night at Pizza Hut without GPS.

I got terribly lost last night, but I'm usually pretty good with directions. This won't happen again. Hopefully... but just like Link would, I'm going to keep going even though the path is frustrating and hard. He's a helluva role model, no?

Related to this post, I tried to get the Zelda: The Wind Waker on ebay. I scored a good deal for 9 bucks with shipping. Hopefully that went through before Capital One decided to restrict everything. Otherwise, Imma have to wrangle me down an ebay seller! lol.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A place called Shambhala

Shambhala is a (likely mythical) place that only awakened individuals can enter in Tibetan Buddhism. It apparently exists somewhere just beyond the Himalayas. People spend their entire lives seeking this "Sacred Realm". Interestingly, Shambhala seems to be a kingdom centered around a pyramid. Check it out.


In A Link to the Past's backstory, we hear about the Golden Land (which is later termed the Sacred Realm). People spend their entire lives trying to get into the Golden Land, and those that try never return. The Golden Land, wherever it is, seems to exist just out of the sight of everyone. And, as you know, Ganon's corrupted Golden Land, the Dark World, has a pyramid at the center.

zelda awesome cheese whiz

Caughtcha Mr. Miyamoto! I don't think there's any doubt that Shambhala influenced the idea of the Sacred Realm.

Monday, November 15, 2010


Yes, that whole Zelda faith thing was a fraud! Can you believe it? I thought someone had done something bold, taking current concepts of religiosity to the limits. But noooo.. it's a marketing scheme. Bullshit!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Games of the Future

To be perfectly frankt, I think that the Wii Motion Plus, Kinect, and the PlayStation Move are all incredibly unattractive interfaces. Let's hope the future of interactive gaming gets better than this current line of unintuitive, bulky, crap. With that thought in mind, I wanted to reflect on a couple of ideas I've heard mentioned.

Trance Based Gaming: Ever seen the movie Brainscan? In this film, the protagonist orders a revolutionary new type of "video game". The game puts the player in a hypnotic trance, causing them to lose the true perception of reality. The player takes cues from the game and creates the entire plot within his or her mind.

Is this plausible? I'm no expert on hypnosis or trances for that matter, but a product that could tap into the imaginative power of the human mind could usher a revolution in gaming. This would be difficult to perfect, and would likely never work for most individuals. Not everyone is a good candidate for hypnosis alas.

Brain Downloads: I think the title says it all. You download a game into your mind via microchip implant, close your eyes, and experience everything first hand. This could and probably will happen. Who knows? We may even live to see it. I don't care if I'm 80 and halfway senile; if they make Zelda: Implant Edition, I'll buy the stuff!

Virtual Boy Zomg I don't care that the thing only had two colors. This was a far more impressive idea than the WiiWii. Nintendo had the right idea, but ditched in the trash along with Gyromite the Robot (which, unrelated, should get a Wii debut). Nintendo or some other company should give true first person gaming another chance. I want Zelda goggles damn it! And while they're at it, they should add in the 80s style boxing gloves. Yeah, that's the future! They can actually do this stuff now.

Perhaps an ideal similar to an improved Virtual Boy will be our transition to Brain Downloads. I hope so.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dragon Worship and Crescent Shields

I've got a job now and can devote the remainder of my unemployed time to Zelda. That's wondiferous, as Mike Tyson might say. Without any further ado...

As many of you Zelda-ites know, Ocarina of Time had two major modifications made to it in the later versions: Namely, the Crescent Shield (the crescent moon next to a star is a symbol of Islam), and the volcano music that implored everyone to worship Volvagia the revived dragon. Nintendo took this stuff out due to politically correct mumbo jumbo, and it was not cool.

Who cares if Link has a Muslim shield? I don't. That shield kicked ass, and us Zelda-ites should demand its return to the VC version! lol.. well, not really. But still, the Crescent styled Mirror Shield will forever own the bs version. Look:

Crescent Mirror Shield
zelda oot good shield

Bullshit Mirror Shield
zelda oot lame shield

Anyway, that's a small issue. What really grinds my gears is the fact that they did away with Goron dragon worship. That was great! Here's a link to the old Fire Temple melody.

Old Version

Many listeners swear the chanting says:
"Volvagia Volvagia! All fall down!"

I don't know about that, but I like to think so. Nintendo should've kept it in there, as opposed to replacing it with this chantless remix of the same melody.
New Version

Bring it back Nintendo! Do what's righteous! Tell those protesters that Zelda rules and they need to STFU! :)

Oh, the good, but not so old, days.

Within the context of Zelda, my good ole days were playing A Link to the Past as a kid. I was a teen when Ocarina of Time came out, but I definitely loved every minute of that game. I played it seven or eight times before finally giving it a rest.

Yesterday, I decided to start playing Ocarina of Time again. It has been at least five years since I've done so. Man, I've gotten rusty. But how? Majora's Mask is just like Ocarina of Time, and it's only been a couple of weeks since I've played that. Some of it has to do with Link's variations in movement/attacking within the two games. They look similar, but MM Link cannot jump as far as OoT Link. Also, their slight difference in height adds more for adjustments. Because of this stuff, those deku babas are eating me alive: literally!

I just noticed something which should have been obvious to me on all the previous playthroughs of this game.. the Temple of Light is almost certainly the same building that you kill Ganon in during A Link to the Past. It's in the center of the Sacred Realm and contains the Triforce. I can't believe I never caught that!

Another thing that I had never noticed. The main motif to the traditional Zelda theme is actually in the Hyrule Field theme.

I still suck at that obstacle course on Lon Lon Ranch. 49 seconds is the best time I can get.

Furthermore, this is the first time that I've actually paid attention to the subtext of Sheik's dialogue. He/She is a fairly interesting character.

Anyway, I'm in the Forest Temple now, which I really think is the most challenging dungeon in the whole game... I always get forget what to do. lol. I'll make another post similar to this one after I beat a few more dungeons.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Charlie Chaplin and the Time Travel Paradox

I got an unusual call after I got home from Church this eve. Apparently, they caught a Time Traveler on tape! Wow, I thought. Of course, i googled it and found a link to the Youtube video.

Interesting indeed. Well, it's unusual. There is no evidence to suggest that the .. woman? .. is talking on a cell phone. It could well be anything or nothing for that matter. My current theory is that she's either: A)Covering her ear due to the wind in the background B) Simply hiding her face from the jackass cameraman. What if it is a time traveler, though? Let's go there. There are a couple of possible implications.

Backward time travel is currently thought of as impossible, though whose to say? Flight was once thought of as impossible. Anyway, this would-be technology obviously comes sometime after the year 2010. And now that a million people have seen this "time traveler" before said time travel technology was invented, it may well alter history. Now, things may play out in such a manner that the traveler never opts to come back in time. What happens then? How do we still see the video? This, my friends, is what they call a paradox.

An interesting paradox fixing solution is out there, though. I know it from Zelda, but it seems like I heard it in some sciencey garble too. The solution is this: To avoid the implosion of reality or whatever, a second universe is created.

20XX, the woman goes back in time on vacation to the set of a Charlie Chaplin movie. Much to her dismay, she's caught on film. Hastily perhaps, she heads on home and tries to avoid causing any more damage to the spacetime continuum. Now she's in the future. However, in her past, things are going batshit crazy. A divergent timeline is created, our timeline.

In this timeline of the universe, the woman will likely never visit the past, or if she does it will be done differently, changing anything from her outfit to where she visits. But this is alright since she did it in our past, coming from her timeline. We will still see it, avoiding any paradoxes.

Here's a lovely graphic I spent thirty seconds on.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Oh, the humanity...

I almost ready buy into Calvinism's doctrine of total depravity. Here's why:

They're the Enemy: Get 'em! Politics is depressing. It shows us the real level of malice that most human beings hide behind a pretty exterior. Politicians revel in that malice, and people revel in feeding them. Everyone needs an enemy, and politicians are ever so eager to give them one.

Example: I once "liked" our good President on Facebook, only to be promptly greeted with a message about the things the other guys are doing wrong. I'm sure I would've gotten the same thing if I'd opted to like Republicans or the Tea Party.

Play the Victim! Play the Victim! It seems to me that a lot of people are pretty eager to be wronged in some manner. Of course, when you are wronged, you get an automatic enemy to rally the troops against. I see this in friendships, relationships, politics (especially politics), and religion. Sheesh.

Now, finally, let me say I'm not above this hostile and dark part of human nature. I'm as selfish, arrogant, and hostile as anyone. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. ;)

Friday, October 22, 2010

My Favorite Zelda Tunes

Those who have befriended me on facebook know this: I love instrumental pieces from video games. Why? Well, I guess it has to do with music's ability to bring a given story to life. Classical instrumental music is like video game music without a story. Within video games, that same genre of music has a chance to add more even details to a story.

Furthermore, I like orchestrations of many of these works. Sometimes, the inferior synthetic quality of game consoles just doesn't let the real sound shine through. May there never come a time when music with words takes precedence over instrumental music. Below are some of my favorite pieces of music. You'll notice that I have a strong preference for the march ballads. (note: all of these come in the form of youtube videos.)

Songs from Zelda that I like:

Midna's Lament: This is an unusual piece from the land of Hyrule. Most Zelda music is upbeat. This one is more of a somber reflection on the nature of mortality.

Dark Mountain: Gods yes! In my opinion, it's about the never ending struggle between Link and Ganon. FORWARD MARCH!

Great Palace: I couldn't find a good orchestration of this one, but this links to the original. As Link storms through the Great Palace, fierce Bird Knights continually assault him. Then, he comes to the Thunderbird, who is five times his size. And the last enemy.. himself. Unlike the other dark an almost metal melodies in AoL, this one is very reassuring. It's like the game is cheering you on with such an upbeat melody.

Hyrule Castle: Another march style ballad. This one really helped give A Link ot the Past that feeling of grandeur so many of us Zelda fans appreciate. Also, it has an amazing breakdown.

A Link to the Past Ending:When I heard this, it was the first time I'd felt happy that a video game had ended. What a delightful piece, it continues reveling in the mysticism that the storyline did, right up until the very end. Its synchronization to the on screen actions make it even better. When Link walks away from the pedastal, presumably returning to society to just be a normal guy, the player is left with the feeling that something astonishing just happened. Or at least, I was. My favorite of all game themes here, and perhaps my favorite piece of music as well.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Pantheism vs. Monotheism vs. Atheism

Pantheism: The concept is simple enough: God is in us all. You could expound upon it and suggest that, due to his being in all things, God is omnipresent, omniscient, omnipotent, eternal, and really whatever you like.

Monotheism: The concept varies from deity to deity, but we're using the Christian God for our purposes here. God is still in all things due to his omnipresence. All things are in God due to God's omnipresence. Think about it: If God is in all of the oxygen around me, then I am very much inside of God. In fact, I would submit that Monotheism is basically Pantheism with a "declared sentience".

Atheism: Ah, yes. The lack of belief in any gods. Strictly speaking, atheism is totally different from both pantheism and monotheism as it has no gods: period. However, all thinking atheists believe in something, even if it's just the energy the universe is comprised of. And in that energy, the same energy many pantheists venerate, there is common ground with both pantheism and monotheism.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Boss Battle Analysis: Majora's Mask

In my most popular post to date, I presented a sort of panentheistic, perhaps even monistic, way to explain the potential nature of a monotheistic God. The concept is simple enough: God is energy. In order to fulfill his primary role, energy condenses itself so that it might become "more than energy", allowing for creation.

I noticed something while playing LoZ: Majora's Mask the other day. The final boss, Majora, seems to be example number one of energy condensing itself into matter.

Majora's Mask: Majora's Mask starts out exactly as you'd expect it to: as a mask. So Link begins fighting the sentient mask, hammering away at it with the Fierce Deity Mask. Realizing the battle is going Link's way, Majora extends his consciousness to the masks of the the four giants(1:25). I like to think of Majora as being pure energy, and that his physical form (the mask) is using work to push that energy into the masks. Whenever Link strikes a blow, matter is destroyed, releasing the innate energy back into the universe.

Majora's Incarnation: Fierce Deity Link successfully kills off the new masks of Majora, and returns his focus to killing the mask. Again, realizing the battle is lost, Majora changes his nature. This time, he does something a little more impressive: He creates matter out of thin air (2:05). To do this, he has to spend some of the energy that he is. From the name "Majora's Incarnation", we can probably also infer that this is the form that the energy can identify most closely with.

Majora's Wrath: Majora senses his end. His true form failed to defeat Fierce Deity Link, and he has one last trick up his sleeve. He re-envisions that true form, spending the last of his available energy. What we get is Majora's wrath. (2:45) He's like Majora's Incarnation, except a tad darker, and clearly a little more brutal. Instead of running around cockily, reveling in his own superiority, Majora knows the situation is now 'kill or be killed'. However, again Link defeats him, which is bad news for Majora: He's expunged all of his available energy, causing the entire area to fade into oblivion along with the energy that caused its creation.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Religiosity and Intelligence: A Hypothesis

Anti-religious individuals enjoy pointing to the apparent negative correlation between Religiosity and Intelligence. For theists and other proponents of religion, the above article certainly presents itself as "an inconvenient fact". I've even seen some of the more irreligious atheists take it as a sign of their innate mental superiority.

The hypothesis of these individuals seems to be, "If an individual is highly intelligent, then that individual will almost certainly reject religion." It's overly simplistic to be sure, and there are countless counterexamples in history books and today's headlines, but that does seem to be the claim being made. With that in mind, I offer a counter-hypothesis.

Hypothesis: The nature of religion causes religious individuals to have more to think about than atheists. Being an atheist requires one to know nothing, as it is by definition a state of "not knowing" something. Consequently, religious individuals of equal intelligence [to a given atheist] have a certain part of their mental ability partitioned off for religiosity, thus causing slightly lower scores on IQ tests.

The fact that complicated things are more difficult to understand than easy things should be an axiom accepted by all. For instance, a given individual can learn the relatively simple syntax of a programming language in far less time than it takes to become fluent in a large linguistic language (example: I picked up php's syntax in one day. :D). Most programming languages are written with the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis in mind, and the fact that people easily learn these languages seems to offer more proof of the above axiom.

So too it is with atheism and religion. "Some thing" [religion] always requires more thinking power than "no thing" [atheism].

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Argument From Energy

1. Void does not exist in the natural universe. In every conceivable location, there is something, be it energy or matter.

2. Matter is energy in a different form.

3. Since energy exists within matter, and energy exists within itself, energy is in every conceivable location. Thus, energy is omnipresent.

4. All things that are accomplished are accomplished with energy. Anything that can be done must be done with energy. In fact, all things that have or ever will be done must be done with energy. Since energy accomplishes all things, it is very much omnipotent.

5. Since energy can neither be created nor be destroyed, energy is eternal.

6. Everything that can or will be known is known through energy in the form of matter. Therefore, energy knows all things that are or ever have been known, a quality one could refer to as Omniscience.

7. The earth was created through the condensing of energy into matter. Therefore, energy created the heavens and the earth.

8. Since energy is invisible by nature, is in the sky, and resulted in the earth's creation, one could necessarily refer to it as an Invisible Skydaddy.

Let's see.. an Eternal, Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Earth Creating, Invisible Skydaddy? Sounds an awful lot like god. Also, if matter is like energy's good creation, does that make anti-matter the devil?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

If Atari Made a Zelda Game...

I was thinking about the influence hit 1980s adventure game Adventure has had on Zelda. It was truly the first non-text based 'dungeon conquering' game. Then, I thought to myself, what would it look like if Atari made a zelda game? Basically, the following is a sort of 'fanfic' in which the events of Adventure are part of the Zelda backstory, and Link finds and uses various items from that game. Also, he visits the mystical two colored kingdom in which Adventure took place. Btw, this is envisioned as a 3D game. lol

The Legend of Zelda: Quest for the Chalice


Ganon reemerges once again, resurrecting his hoards of evil monsters. A might force is being accumulated in the desert to the west, and likely preparing for an all out invasion of Hyrule. It seems one of Ganon's minions managed to find the Golden Chalice, an artifact long thought to exist only in legend. Using the Golden Chalice, he drank the waters of life, and thus gained immortality. Then he began to use the cup's power to revive his minions. All of those who ever served the Dark Lord came that day.

The numbers of these monsters were too great for a Hylian Brigade led by the Hero himself to challenge. Because of this, the Old Man began to search through the Castle's library of ancient books and scrolls. It was then he heard of the Golden Chalice, and also of the lost kingdom it had originated from. Surely, Ganon was using this power of life to call forth this Dark Resurrection.

The kingdom was, according the legend, created by the lost Hylian civilization as an ultimate display of their power. It existed not in three dimensions as all other kingdoms do, but rather in two. Using their advanced technology, they created four square shaped dimensional modulators which altered the very nature of the space in which the kingdom would reside. From there, great artists used rendering magicks to render a kingdom inside of that space.

The rendered two dimensional area took up only 12 meters on any side. However, the rendered kingdom could house and support as many as three hundred thousand Hylians. Because of the efficiency associated with two dimensional rendering, more and more Hylians began to reside in that space. However, this would be the undoing of the Hylian race. A King of a nearby land became jealous of all the Hylian tecnological wiles, and decided to invade Hyrule and take the kingdom for himself.

Only two thousand men manned Hyrule that day. Some escaped from the painting, but the skilled warriors from the neighboring land took the building before many could get out. When the squares were removed, the kingdom became only a painting, presumably killing all inside.

The King took the squares back to his kingdom, but none of his wise men could understand this technology. Later on, the kingdom faded away, and officially was claimed as Hylian land several generations ago. The fate of the squares and the painting is unknown [the painting is Link's House where the Mario picture is in Alttp].

Link must find the Four Squares, recover the Chalice, and defeat Ganon's minions.

Dungeon 1: Death Mountain: Waterfall Entrance.
After Old Man tells Link about that crazy story, he suggests he go speak with the Great Fairy since she's immortal. Link walks into the water fall, and it's revealed that a dungeon with one of the squares is inside of this cave.. It's dark. There are keese. Little black shadow monsters lurk just beyond the light. Link gets the stepladder here. Isn't that awesome? The boss is the giant bat from A Link to the Past.

Dungeon 2: Temple of Light

Link uses the stepladder to cross some sort of high ledge. It carries him onto a previously inaccessible mountain. There he wanders around cluelessly until falling into a portal that leads into the sacred realm.

Some unusual technology is floating around here. The area seems to have been overrun by monsters. Moblins are stationed throughout the place. Like likes seem to have magnets in their bellies as Link will lose his shield if he gets too close.

Link finds a magnet in this dungeon. It gives him the power to draw metallic objects toward him. It's useful for knocking over unaware those eagle creatures.

At the end of the dungeon, Link finds and rescues Rauru from some Moblins. Rauru informs him that Ganon infiltrated the Sacred Realm using the power of the Chalice, and stormed the Temple of Light in an effort to find the Triforce. Fortunately though, the Triforce was with Link. With all safe, Link leaves the realm and continues onto the third dungeon.

Dungeon 3: Great Palace

Link heads on back to talk to Zelda about the developments in the Sacred Realm. She then tells Link that he has to stop his quest and hide Triforce. A tad annoyed, Link agrees to take the Triforce to the Great Palace, at which point Old Man will put some sort of protective shield around the place.

However, the creatures inside have been ordered to kill anything that enters by the Guardian gods of Hyrule. Apparently they have to protect the “other treasure” of Hyrule. So Link finds himself killing our sorts of “good badguys” to get to the room the Old Man wants the Triforce in. They respawn with impunity, suggesting immortality.

While journeying there, he finds a Spear. Suddenly, Old Man contacts him telepathically: “Link. This is the spear that the Legendary Hero once used to gain the Chalice. I believe that your stumbling across it is more than mere chance. Surely, surely, the Goddesses have predestined this finding. As the Hero did then, so must you too. As it has been said, 'When one door closes, another is sure to open.' ”

Link can now use the magnet and the spear in tandom to eliminate the jumping birdlike creatures. With great skill, he approaches the desired room. Old Man contacts him, telling him to climb the ladder and wish for the Triforce to leave him, and that one piece at a time would slowly come to rest in this secret and safe location. After he places the Triforce of Courage, he hears a footstep. Link turns around, and sees nothing. He then resumes the process. Another footstep. He turns his head around. SMACK!

Link is knocked off the platform. It seems he was attacked by some sort of square. That's right.. a square. The square has a magnet and spear just like him! The square screams: “Intruder! Leave this place lest death fall upon you!”

Link explains that he's leaving the Triforce behind, but the square doesn't believe him, saying “You are a pillager. The evidence in the spear you hold. My spear!” A cameo ensues with the square running around quickly, sort of like the Wizzrobes in Majora's Mask.

The square is faster than Link, but fortunately he is a square, so Link wins the battle. The square concedes defeat saying, “Only the Hero could defeat me. I now return to my rest. Godspeed Link.” The square leaves behind one of the Four Squares.

Link starts to place the remaining pieces of the Triforce, but cannot seem to place. Zelda contacts him telepathically, “Link. Come quick! A fleet of Wizzrobes stormed the castle, kidnapping my father! Old Man is dead!” Realizing that the placement of the Triforce is now impossible, Link heads toward Hyrule Castle.

Dungeon 4: The Desert Temple.

The Knights of Hyrule feel humiliated because of their defeat. They had kept the small fleet of Wizzrobes from taking the castle, but one eluded them transporting directly to the King's chamber. Link speaks with them, and they decide to go and battle Ganon's armada of enemies.

A week later, after all preparations have been made, they depart for the Gerudo desert. A great battle ensues, with the outcome uncertain. While Link is slashing away at Moblins, the other three Squares resonate with a white light, indicating that the other crystal is near. After the Hylians win and rescue the King, Link heads for the Desert Temple.

With a sense of deja vu, Link battles the same foes he did in A Link to the Past. When he enters the area once occupied by three Moldorms, he marvels.. It's friggin' empty. Or so he thinks. He hears a sound. The “Fire Breathing Two Dimensional Beast: DuKragon” appears. The creature looks kind of unsual in three dimensions, and Link only gets a good look at it when it runs to the left. If it gets too close to Link, it will swallow him and then spit him out. It shoots fire: three dimensional fire. Link kills it in one blow with the spear, retrieving the fourth square from its stomach.

Dungeon #5: Into the 2nd Dimension

Link just wonders what Ganon's up to. He was not found among the dead from the Battle of Gerudo Desert, nor was he taken prisoner. The Hylian Knights interrogate a surving Wizzrobe. With some coercion, the Wizzrobe reveals that Ganon has been controlling his army from the lost two dimensional kingdom of the Hylians. However, the Wizzrobe didn't know where that kingdom was. Cockily, he told the knights that Ganon now had the keys to death, and that not even Link could stop Ganon now.

Link knows the kingdom is in a painting, but where the painting is is beyond him. So he begins to search, one painting at a time. There are a lot of them in this game, but the right one is in his uncle's house. He finds it, causing the Squares to resonate, and then takes it back to Hyrule castle. With some diligence, the Court Magician figures out how to get the thing to work, placing the squares equidistantly on platforms. Then the painting comes to life and the figures begin to rapidly move like a dvd on fast forward. After a few minutes of 'fast forwarding', the picture resumes a pleasant normal flow. Link steps forward to get a closer look, only to be sucked in.

He's in a new town of some kind. It's pretty weird. There aren't many people around. Link approaches some of the townspeople and asks about Ganon. No one has heard that name, but every keeps murmuring about the 'tribe to the north'. Confused, Link heads toward the ominous black castle to the north.

And sure enough, this is Ganon's tower. Link scales the castle walls using the stepladder, getting inside the ramparts. He heads either right or left. Either way, he uses the magnet to draw the blocks into place, causing a doorway to open to the inside of the castle.

On the inside he fights a bunch of bad guys. Finally, he fights Ganon and gets the chalice. However, he's gotta get out now, and all of Ganon's minions are chasing him. With some trouble, he runs back toward the town, being chased by the minions. Fortunately, the Hylians come to his aid, killing off the baddies with lasers. Lasers man! Friggin' lasers!

The Hylians thank Link, giving him his last heart piece. Plot developments end with Link talking to Zelda. The game never truly ends, thus allowing the player to explore Hyrule and the new area.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Where did we go wrong with robots?

Androids like Data from Star Trek were never part of 'the dream' as I understood it. Our ideal goal for artificial intelligence is a tin man who speaks in an crackly electronic voice. All this fancy technology that we have available now will undoubtedly screw up our dream. If we could develop the 'bot', it would synthesize speech almost perfectly, and that's awful.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

What Zelda Teaches Kids...

We've talked about the interesting lessons from inside the game, but what have we learned from actually playing the game? Something like this:

Zelda Teaches Kids How to Innovate: In Mario, what you do is quite intuitive. In modern FSPs, reflexes are the bodily function necessary. In RPGs, you can basically win by spamming the action button all the way through. However, in Zelda (and games like it), you have to think. For instance: In Misery Mire, there is a complex puzzle (especially for a young kid! lol) where you have to set off a switch, set down a bomb next to the switch, cross the new area, and wait for the bomb to go off. I remember thinking as a kid, "If I can solve that puzzle, I can solve -any- problem. I beat Misery Mire dude!"

Zelda Teaches Kids About Persistence: When I was playing A Link to the Past, I died in Misery Mire more times than I can count. Too many. I got all of my friends to try it, but no one could finish it. The ice was too slick and the monsters too tough. Then one day, after countless attempts, I finished it.

Zelda Teaches Kids How to Share: I still recall hearing that crap in kindergarten about 'sharing'. I didn't buy it for a second, and I wasn't the only one. A silly puppet show about not being greedy can't get into the minds of today's kids. However, realizing that Zelda is just one player and that you actually need the help of your friends is great advertising for sharing.

Zelda Show Kids Collaborative Problem Solving: In the context of taking turns playing Zelda with friends, kids realize that many of the puzzles are extremely complex, requiring the study of countless maps and putting the layouts of multiple floors together. It's not enough to just take turns 'trying to take a crack at it'; you actually need to discuss the problem. This is a valuable skill which most adults still don't have.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Nothingness: God?

Existing is a complex topic, and that is somewhat of an understatement. However, if one had to briefly explain existence to one who did not intuitively understand, they might decide to do it like thus: “Existing, or being, is perhaps explained via contrast to its logical opposite: Nonexistence, or not being. Existent things have a material mark that can be observed in the universe, whereas nonexistent things lack this feature.”

The nature of this post has little to do with the material universe, and yet also, it has everything to do with it. Let us take a close look at the attributes of nonexistence, which we'll henceforth refer to as nothingness in order to better relate the ideas in question.

Nothingness is eternal. It does not have a beginning, and it does not have an end. Before there was anything, there was nothingness. Where there is void, there is also nothingness. If the universe ceases to exist in the future, there will still be that lack of anything. Therefore, nothingness is immortal.

Nothingness is everywhere. The universe is mostly empty, and there is even empty space (at the atomic level) inside of material things such as Zelda carts or humans. Whereever there is not 'some thing', there is nothing. The nature of nothingness exists within all things and all nothingness, a quality also referred to as omnipresence.

If nothingness is within all things, then that nothingness is necessarily a part of those things. However, the human being itself is not nothingness as there are material aspsects to its full being.

Since nothingness is deeply rooted within the material of every existent thing within the universe, it is as much responsible for the actions of a given material object as the object itself is. That is to say, the object may well cease to exist if the nothingness went away. Furthermore, since the possibilities of the conceivable actions for a given entity are endless, nothingness is, for all intents and purposes, omnipotent.

If nothingness is inside of all things, to the point that it has a definite role over that which actions occur, then the universe's collective amount of nothingness is privy to an insurmountable amount of knowledge. Whether nothingness can view or understand the database is a definite unknown, but this quality is necessarily omniscience.

I hope, for your sake, you see where this is going. There are a lot of applications of this, but I'll take the most interesting one: The Big Bang, the singularity, and the inevitable nothingness before.

Before we delve straight into that, let's make a pit stop over at theism central station. A common skeptic's objection to God is thus: “Who created God?” A fun new answer to this question might be: “God is nothingness. Nothingness really doesn't require creation as it is the lack of creation.”

Now, onto the fun creation of the universe: The universe was created by nothing, which under my own semi-postulated logic is God. Everyone wins. Eat your heart out Thomas Aquinas.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Majora's Mask: The Solution?

I think most of the Zelda fans from Alttp and before realize the difficulty of these games has dramatically decreased. Twilight Princess, Ocarina of Time, and the Wind Waker, all pale in comparison to the challenges present in LoZ, AoL, and Alttp.

As the title suggests, I think that Majora's Mask offers a solution to this little problem. The dungeons are pretty easy, but the time limits of this game make several of the sidequests near impossible.

I've played this title off an on for a few years now, but it wasn't until yesterday that I decided to attempt to get the fairies in the Stone Tower Temple. Thankfully, I opted to play the Inverted Song of Time at 6:30 AM (game time), because I needed almost all of that time to find those fairies. It was about 11 o'clock on the third day before I found them all. That's pretty impressive, as I've strolled through that dungeon numerous times.

If Nintendo refuses to make the enemies cause more damage (which they should), perhaps they might bring back Majora's Mask's time limit concept. Here's hoping.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Thoughts on Zelda: Skyward Sword

The Legend of Zelda: Skyword Sword is supposed to bring Zelda to life, allowing you to control you Wii Remote as if it were an actual sword. Many people are pretty excited about this. And I suppose the novelty will be interesting.

The few graphics we've seen look pretty good. I'm not terribly pleased with the style, but I'm sure it will be aesthetically pleasing overall. They seemed to opt to maintain Zelda's fantasy style graphics for the areas (those forests and fields just don't quite look real :D), which is a good thing.

In spite of all these lovely things, I still have my doubts about the direction this is heading. Answer this: What do LoZ, AoL, Alttp, Link's Awakening, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Oracle of Ages/Seasons, The Wind Waker, and Twilight Princess (gamecube version) have in common? They all have a traditional controller interface.

I wasn't terribly pleased with this point and click poo for TP's Wii Version. It took away an excellent analog interface and replaced it with a not so great one. I dislike it so much that I've actually thought about getting the gamecube version off ebay.

Having said all of that, I guess I should realize that Skyward Sword will likely improve off of the shaky foundation Twilight Princess laid. Even so, I maintain my cry: "NINTENDO! MAKE. A. FRIGGIN'. NORMAL. CONTROLLER!!!!!!!!!!!"

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Nintendo Wins the Console War?

I think so. It's unfortunate, what with the terrible controls, but it appears to be the case. First, lets look at the numbers by unit:

Wii Sales: 70.93 Million.
PS3 Sales: 38.1 Million.
Xbox 360 Sales: 41.7 Million.

Why is that? Everyone sort of dislikes the Wii. Simple answer: Cost. The Wii isn't as affable as either of it's competitors, but it is cheap. Nintendo knows they don't need all the PS3's badass power to make a decent console. Games can still be enjoyable, and they've got their hyped up "interactive" gimmick. Lets hope they chunk that last part.

Regarding my optimistic dream of Nintendo chunking the Wii Remote, I know they won't do that. As a corporation, they're obligated to be financial whores and sell whatever the public will buy. Sales clearly indicate that most of the populace really does want to dance around like an idiot in front of their tvs. As Shigeru Miyamoto once said, "We want to get more people playing video games."

Real life Goriya Sighting

I've noticed that some of my friends look like enemies from Zelda. That's not a put down; I actually think it's pretty cool. I'm well aware that I probably look like the fairy from LoZ, so no need to go there. :P

I won't name names, but I've spotted the vuln arrow enemies from the dark world known as Goriya on my facebook friends list.

Alttp Arrows Goriya Cheese_Whiz

That's amazing. Rock on, friend that looks like Goriya.

It's a good idea for some Mary Sue-ish fanfic, or perhaps a fan movie, where someone's friends all sort of have that "Wizard of Oz" resemblance to characters from Zelda, and then some crazy magical event causes everyone to start acting like real life is Zelda.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The Hylian Language Institute

Most of my posts are rants about trivial issues, so I apologize to those of you who have grown fond of that. I'd like to take one post to recognize something that is astonishing, and truly worthy of adoration by all.

The Hylian Language Institute

This is a level of fandom that surpasses that of any known Zelda fan. We salute you, Kasuto of Ka'taan. *salute*

I want to learn and use this language, and perhaps even start posting all of my facebook statuses in it. We Zelda fans really need to start some cultural imperialism with this creation, and while we're at it petition Congress to replace the Dollar with the Rupee.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Things I think the Wii Needs

Nintendo is quite right in saying that the Wii is not a PC, and that we shouldn't expect the same level of functionality we get from one. Even so, they could easily add so many things. Is the above little byline enough to neglect some of the things they could -easily- ... -easily- add? They're sure as hell not making good video games anymore; they might as well make some good software for the system.

Things the wii needs (in my humble, yet totally correct, opinion):

DVD Support Geez. This one's obvious. Even the ps2 could play dvds. It's sort of an outrage that they would omit such a function from a disc based system.

USB Flash Drive Support Who uses SD cards? Seriously. But we all have USB Flash Drives. Again, nintendo gave us all the necessary hardware to use USB Flash Drives, but neglected to include the functionality.

An Improved Internet Channel Interace The Wii Remote is a sick joke of a device for browsing the internet.The Channel allows you to type with a keyboard, yet does not include any interface for browsing the web with a keyboard. What the fudgecicle? WebTV did it excellently with just 2 MB of RAM. I suggest Nintendo take notes.

The Homebrew Channel is the only hope for those of us who want our Wii to actually do useful stuff. Yet Nintendo has taken the stance that the above improvements are malicious in nature, and actively removes them from your system upon updating. I'd understand if Nintendo was attempting to do the same things, but they are not. Why take a stance against functionality?

I've got more beefs with the Wii, but those are the main ones. Since they are the benevolent corporation that brought us Zelda, I won't sweat the small stuff.

If they made a Zelda movie...

I've thrown the idea out to a few of my (non-zelda fan) facebook pals, and the ideas I've had for adaptations of a couple of the games seem to get good appeal.

The main problem with the whole idea is this: There are too many dungeons to fit into a coherent (non-video game) plot. With all the battling that would be going on in a Zelda film, time constraints would basically forbid a storyline. That could be worked around by developing other characters while Link completes a few dungeons off screen though.

I know it would surely piss off some of my fan-tastic colleagues, but Link would have to talk in any would-be Zelda film. He's not really even silent in the games. They merely let you form his words in your mind. Note how he nods warmly as if he just moved his lips from time to time, or gives a jolly wave when someone leaves in Majora's Mask. These are implications of a warm, vocal, personality.

Majora's Mask is a fantastic idea for a film in its own right. There are only four dungeons so you don't have to worry about having too much dungeon battling. The entire town has character development, so there are a lot of interesting souls to focus on throughout the film. Oh yeah, and the game is about the moon crashing into the earth, and using time travel to change Termina's inevitable fate. That sounds like something most people would like to see on the big screen.

A Link to the Past could probably get mainstream appeal as well. The in-game story isn't as in depth as Majora's Mask, but the basic seeds of a good story are there. Imagine all the good dialogue that could happen in Kakariko Village about Agahnim, and whether their good friend Link is really a kidnapper. Then you've got Link's quest to avenge his uncle, and maybe they could stick in an interesting (if cliche) death of Sahasralah while fighting Ganon. There are plenty of things that could be worked with in this story.

If done correctly, most Zelda games could be made into interesting films. More than like, alas, we'd end up with something like the Final Fantasy film, filled with bad voice acting, an incoherent plot with way too much battling, and other forms of basic suckage. Video game films seldom turn out well.

Having said that, I want to see it happen. Sure, Nintendo risks allowing yet another bad video game film (see also: the Super Mario Brothers movie), but there is much to be gained if successful. Look at what the Twilight film did for Stephanie Meyer, or even what Lord of the Rings film did for an already popular book series. The fanboys and fangals created from such a film will probably go out, buy a Wii, download all the games on VC, buy Twilight Princess, and the upcoming Skyward Sword game. The potential rewards are great, and the financial risk (for a multi billion dollar company) is minimal.

Furthermore, as a Farore fearing Zelda fan, I have to support the evangelization of these young minds. For too long have they played sinful games like Halo, Final Fantasy, and other suckful things. For there is but one high fantasy realm worthy of adoration, and that is The Legend of Zelda realm.

Zelda Glitching Failure Log

To glitch or not to glitch? That is the question. The answer is to glitch, but how???

Yesterday, I had an idea for how it might be possible to escape Sakon's Hideout as Kafei in Majora's Mask. I was thinking that if I turned into a Deku Scrub just before hitting the initial switch, Link would set off the switch, give control to Kafei, and then transform (leaving the door closed and the switch unset). After all that, the plan was to let Kafei set off the switch, and then do a barrel roll and get crushed by the door: causing Kafei to warp out of the area.

The plan worked perfectly up until the warping. There was a flaw in my conception of the idea. Whenever Link does something in Majora's Mask that causes a warp (Goron Link falling in water, getting crushed by doors, Deku Link drowning, etc.), he always turns back into human Link. The same thing happened here with Kafei.

An interesting subglitch of the above is that if you do it with the Bunny Hood on, entering a second time causes the camera to refocus around Kafei. (And nope, completing the quest with the camera on Kafei doesn't give him control either. haha)

After that, I tried a second technique: The B button Ocarina. Kafei seems to be built off of Link, as he swings an invisible sword, dodges, and backflips just like him. I was fairly confident that glitching the Ocarina onto B and playing the Song of Soaring would trans Kafei to wherever I decided warp. Alas, I was wrong again. Even with the Ocarina on B, Kafei will just swing his invisible sword.

There are only a couple of ideas that I have left, and they're both based off of the most popular Ocarina of Time/Majora's Mask glitch: The Bombchu Hover. I'm thinking that maybe if I threw a bomb just before landing on the switch, and then backflipped toward the door with Kafei, it would knock him through the wall, but not out of bounds. That too seems unlikely.

If only I could get Kafei using bombs. Then we'd hover out, cause the fourth day glitch, and go on our own little quest. :)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Words from the Profit

Christian materialists are worse than Kevin Trudeau. I swear it. I don't have cable anymore, so my channels are pretty limited. Consequently, I wake up every morning hearing this Word of Fatih douchebag tell poor and diseased people that sending him money will solve all of their problems.

I'm one of the biggest defenders of religiosity you'll ever meet. After some careful evaluation of all the possible positions, I decided the world was a better place with all that in the mix. Having said that, people like Mike Murdock make my position a lot more difficult to defend.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Imagine This

Fan-ism has came a long way since the first Zelda game. In that time, extreme levels of nerdiness have emerged, involving all manner of Zelda-related activities, such as:

Pointless Theorizing Regarding a Nonexistent Timeline

Fanfiction in which the Protagonist Never Talks

Art of Link doing it with Zelda, Malon, Saria, Ruto, Nabooru, Marin, and occasionally even Ganondorf (or Tingle?)

Blogging random quirks about Zelda which few if any people will read

Certainly, there's a high level of veneration amongst the hardcore Zelda fans that extends well beyond just playing the game. With that in mind, I submit the following: Nintendo should make some sort of online Zelda multiplayer roleplaying environment. Those hardcore "I've been thinking about zelda nonstop since 1985" fans would love it!

They'd need to stop it all from taking place in one realm, though. Imagine strolling through Hyrule field on your horse and seeing fifty thousand people talking loudly. Runescape has a good example of what's needed (multiple rooms), but for something like this the scale would need to be even smaller. More like fifty to a room.

To clarify furthermore on my line of thought, I'm actually not thinking of something with a battle system or even a storyline for that matter. I just want to walk into Hyrule Castle Town as a brick mason from Kakariko Village, buy a drink at the local pub, and ask if any jobs are available in the area. A game about nothing! (yes, Zelda: Seinfeld Edition)

I guess it'd be a pretty bad financial decision for Nintendo though. The market for console roleplaying games is huge, but the market for roleplaying itself is fairly small. Even so, I stand by my call for its development and release!

What is Roleplaying?

In its most common usage, the phrase 'Roleplaying Game' is so outdated. Most of the things that are labeled RPG require no roleplaying whatsoever. Take Final Fantasy in almost all of its variants. Let me get this straight... a computer solving doing simple math problems on a turn by turn basis is roleplaying? According to the word nazis.

Now let's take a game with some actual roleplaying. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's mask. Those same word nazis would correctly call this an adventure game. It definitely is, but it's also an adventure game with roleplaying elements. Depending on what you do in the game (e.g. The masks you wear, the items you use, whether you kill Sakon, etc.), the individual outcomes can vary a lot. You can be the Legendary Hero that saves everyone, or just save your own ass and head back to Hyrule. Nevertheless, because it doesn't have turn based dice damage, Majora's mask is not a roleplaying game.

Any reasonable person would call this insanity.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Crappy Ineffective Hylian Knights

Seriously. Those guys suck. I wouldn't count on them to protect my offline http server. Let's look at them, game by game:

The Legend of Zelda: So there's a kingdom of Hyrule, right? Well, where are all the knights? I'll tell ya where they are. They're dead. Ganon killed them all in like twenty seconds. Was too easy for him.

Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link: Thanks to Link, a few new slackers have emerged to replace the brigade Ganon disposed of. But these guys are even worse. Not only do they -not- aid Link in any way, they actually hinder him! The one blue douche tells Link that "Only towns people can use this bridge. Never mind that you saved the world ten years ago. I'm going to be a douche and not let you cross. *points to genitals* Right here Link. Right here if you want past." Seriously, what the hell's that guy's problem?

A Link to the Past: This time, Ganon overpowered the knighthood's complete lack of a will in the time it took you to turn the game on. And they're not even very good bad guys. A twelve year old boy rises to the occasion to make raid on the castle, rescue Zelda, and slaughter hordes of knights along the way. He'd never even used a sword before. The extent of Link's training was a twenty second talk with his dying uncle! Wtf?

Ocarina of Time: As usual, the knights are there.. sucking it up. Link's out trying to save the day again, and the knights just stand there. And when Ganon comes to take over Hyrule.. they all die again.. pathetic.

Majora's Mask: Technically, these guys aren't Hylian Knights. But their suckage is certainly worthy of an honorable mention. Their leader, a coward by the name of Viscen, is only concerned with getting his tail out of that town. Because, when the moon crashes into the earth, the only safe place is a ranch... wtf.. you're not escaping that moon knights! Might as well stay in town and help the idiots who don't realize that evacuate in an orderly fashion.

The Wind Waker They were killed off in the intro clip. Nuff said. Without Link, Hyrule was doomed. Thanks a lot, knights!

Twilight Princess: Oooh... don't fight those beasts. Just cower in the Twilight all the time. You pansies make Edward Cullen look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Once again, a not even grown, marginally emo hero emerges, and kills off all of the beasts that the knights were afraid of. Zelda should fire these people.

Another thing on Twilight Princess: It appears that all law and order is administered by some sort of brothel. Life has gotten bad when we've outsourced policing the streets to pimps!