Friday, September 24, 2010

Crappy Ineffective Hylian Knights

Seriously. Those guys suck. I wouldn't count on them to protect my offline http server. Let's look at them, game by game:

The Legend of Zelda: So there's a kingdom of Hyrule, right? Well, where are all the knights? I'll tell ya where they are. They're dead. Ganon killed them all in like twenty seconds. Was too easy for him.

Zelda 2: The Adventure of Link: Thanks to Link, a few new slackers have emerged to replace the brigade Ganon disposed of. But these guys are even worse. Not only do they -not- aid Link in any way, they actually hinder him! The one blue douche tells Link that "Only towns people can use this bridge. Never mind that you saved the world ten years ago. I'm going to be a douche and not let you cross. *points to genitals* Right here Link. Right here if you want past." Seriously, what the hell's that guy's problem?

A Link to the Past: This time, Ganon overpowered the knighthood's complete lack of a will in the time it took you to turn the game on. And they're not even very good bad guys. A twelve year old boy rises to the occasion to make raid on the castle, rescue Zelda, and slaughter hordes of knights along the way. He'd never even used a sword before. The extent of Link's training was a twenty second talk with his dying uncle! Wtf?

Ocarina of Time: As usual, the knights are there.. sucking it up. Link's out trying to save the day again, and the knights just stand there. And when Ganon comes to take over Hyrule.. they all die again.. pathetic.

Majora's Mask: Technically, these guys aren't Hylian Knights. But their suckage is certainly worthy of an honorable mention. Their leader, a coward by the name of Viscen, is only concerned with getting his tail out of that town. Because, when the moon crashes into the earth, the only safe place is a ranch... wtf.. you're not escaping that moon knights! Might as well stay in town and help the idiots who don't realize that evacuate in an orderly fashion.

The Wind Waker They were killed off in the intro clip. Nuff said. Without Link, Hyrule was doomed. Thanks a lot, knights!

Twilight Princess: Oooh... don't fight those beasts. Just cower in the Twilight all the time. You pansies make Edward Cullen look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Once again, a not even grown, marginally emo hero emerges, and kills off all of the beasts that the knights were afraid of. Zelda should fire these people.

Another thing on Twilight Princess: It appears that all law and order is administered by some sort of brothel. Life has gotten bad when we've outsourced policing the streets to pimps!

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